Marriage

17 Lessons from 17 Years of Marriage (Lessons 13 – ­17)

/ Justin Irving / 8 Comments
Love Coffee, by Ahmed Rabea, Flickr

Love Coffee, by Ahmed Rabea, Flickr

Tasha and I recently celebrated 17 Years of Marriage! Part of this year’s anniversary celebration included some time for Tasha and I to reflect on lessons from our first 17 years of marriage.

I provided an overview of the first 12 lessons in the past three posts (Part 1; Part 2; Part 3). I’ll take a look at lessons 13-17 in this final reflection on the topic. Before I do so, here is a quick overview of our 17 Lessons again:

  1. Prioritize Time Together
  2. Keep Short Accounts
  3. Laugh Often
  4. Learn and Speak One Another’s Love Language
  5. Appreciate, Don’t Expect
  6. Celebrate One Another, Including the Differences
  7. The Kids Are #2
  8. Ride the Waves like a Pro with the Ups and Downs of Life
  9. Keep the Friendship, and the Romance, Alive
  10. Give Tech a Timeout
  11. The Grass is Greenest Here
  12. Enjoy the Mountaintops and the Mundane
  13. Dream and Grow Together
  14. Change Yourself, Not Each Other
  15. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
  16. Listen and Learn
  17. Stay Connected to the Vine

Here we go with this final post on the topic: Lessons 13 – 17 with a bit more detail.

13. Dream and Grow Together

Part of doing life together as a couple involves sharing in one another’s dreams and being one another’s biggest fan as we pursue new opportunities and adventures. Some of these dreams have been shared dreams, like the desire both Tasha and I shared for adoption even before we were married. This dream came to fulfillment in our delightful daughter who is now five.

Other dreams are more individual in nature. But in a marriage, individual dreams are still fulfilled as a couple. For Tasha, this has included dreams like going back to school for a master’s degree and engaging in travel that has helped her connect with her love for both art history and biblical history. For me, this has often included dreams in the academic realm. One of the most expensive and challenging of these dreams was pursuing and completing a Ph.D. process. In both of our cases, Tasha and I would say that we could not have made these journeys without the support and celebration of the other along the way.

Seventeen years into marriage, we are still dreaming. Just last night as we were out on a date Tasha asked: “So what would you like to be celebrating a year from now?” As we shared our dreams for the next 12 months, I found myself once again thankful to have such a dear friend with whom to share life. What a great question to help each other keep dreaming and growing together!

14. Change Yourself, Not Each Other

As we dream and grow together, it is important to approach growth in a positive manner. Although both Tasha and I have areas of our life that frustrate one another, we need to be careful that we are not focused on changing each other. When there are areas of growth in a relationship, the best way to pursue this is not by aiming to change each other, but by aiming to change ourselves.

Tasha and I have found that when we are starting to feel empty (spiritually, emotionally, physically), we begin to project our emptiness through frustration with the people and circumstances around us. In other words, we try to inappropriately gain fullness in our lives by changing other people or each other. As you can imagine, this approach rarely ends well.

One key to a healthy marriage is learning to love and serve one another out of fullness (wholeness) rather than focusing on getting from one another in an attempt to fill our emptiness. Although the gospel reminds us that we are needy people who bring our emptiness to Jesus to be filled, constantly bringing our emptiness to the people around us leads to drained and broken relationships rather than ones that are healthy and vibrant.

In our final lesson, I will spend a bit more time on where we can go with our emptiness, but here I will end with emphasizing that Tasha and I are learning that when change is needed, the focus should be on changing ourselves rather than one another. When one of us becomes short and irritable, the problem is almost never with the other person. In these moments it is time to look in the mirror and consider how we may change so that we can return to one another with a posture of giving rather than taking.

15. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

As we live life together in our marriage, there are issues that come up between Tasha and me on a regular basis. One of the keys for us has been learning when to let things go and learning when to press into important conversations.

I have heard it said that there are two important rules for life. Rule #1: “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.” Rule #2: “It’s All Small Stuff.”

Although Tasha and I mostly agree with these principles, we would modify it a bit. It is also important to not trivialize what is a big deal for our spouse by treating it as a small deal.

The reality is that 99% of the issues that come up in our lives on a day-to-day basis are “small stuff.” For these items we need to graciously overlook our concerns and frustrations. Proverbs 19:11 puts it this way: “it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” We see this as being relationally gracious with one another as we let the small stuff go.

But there are a few items that are a big deal, at least from one of our perspectives. For Tasha, one of her “big stuff” items is time together. When life gets too full and we are struggling to have time together, this qualifies as a “sweat the big stuff” conversation. It is right and helpful for Tasha to raise her concerns. For me, one of my “big stuff” items is making sure we stay on track with our personal family finances. For me, this qualifies as a “sweat the big stuff” conversation.

In the case of both of these items, the criterion for becoming a “big stuff” issue is that it is something that can significantly impact the health and well-being of our family and our relationship. So, “don’t sweat the small stuff”, AND keep your “big stuff” issues to a minimum.

16. Listen and Learn

When it comes to a healthy marriage relationship, communication is key. While this certainly includes talking, we find that it is vital to emphasize listening and learning. In James 1:19 we are reminded that “everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

In our relationship, Tasha and I want to keep our curiosity for one another at a peak level. Although I’m sure others might find some of our conversations boring (I know, that is hard to believe!), for us these conversations are of high importance. Because there is no one else with whom we are more interested in this world, listening to the important thoughts and feelings we share about our day or something that has been on our mind is fascinating.

We want this to be the case fifty years from now as well—maintaining a posture of eager listening and learning toward one another and what matters most in our lives.

17. Stay Connected to the Vine

This brings us to the final lesson: Stay Connected to the Vine. In John 15:5 we read the following words of Jesus: “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” It’s hard to overestimate the importance of this principle for us.

In discussing lesson 14, I highlighted the need to come one another with fullness, wholeness and a posture of giving rather than emptiness and a posture of taking. But this raises a key question: where do we find fullness and wholeness when we really are broken and empty people?

The answer we find in John 15 is that we are to stay connected to the vine — we are to stay connected to Jesus. While this verse points us to the reality that apart from Jesus we can do nothing, we can also speak to this reality from our experience.

When we are not daily drawing near to Jesus through trusting His work on our behalf, celebrating Him in our hearts through worship, talking with Him in prayer, and reflecting on what He wants to speak to us in His Word the Bible, Tasha and I experientially relate to one another differently.

When we are not intentionally drawing on the grace of God found in Jesus, we become short with one another and more selfish in how we relate with one another. Conversely, when we are drawing on the grace of God in Jesus—that is, when we are staying connected to the Vine—we are able to keep the small stuff in perspective, we are able to gracious with one another, and we are able to focus on serving rather than taking from one another in our relationship.

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And so our final lesson is a reminder for us to stay connected to Jesus, for He is the one who ultimately is able to bind our marriage together for a lifetime. Although Tasha and I are only at year 17, we look forward to catching up with the 72 years of marriage my grandparents enjoyed together before their passing earlier this year.

God’s grace to each of you as you live out these 17 lessons in your own lives and relationships. Take some time to share your lessons below!

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Here Are the Links for The Entire Series:

17 Lessons from 17 Years of Marriage (Lessons 9 – ­12)

/ Justin Irving / 4 Comments
Love is a Fruit, by Leland Francisco, Flickr

Love is a Fruit, by Leland Francisco, Flickr

Tasha and I recently celebrated 17 Years of Marriage! Part of this year’s anniversary celebration included some time for Tasha and I to reflect on lessons from our first 17 years of marriage.

I provided an overview of the first 8 lessons in the past two posts (Part 1; Part 2). I’ll take a look at lessons 9-12 in this reflection. Before I do so, here is a quick overview of our 17 Lessons again:

  1. Prioritize Time Together
  2. Keep Short Accounts
  3. Laugh Often
  4. Learn and Speak One Another’s Love Language
  5. Appreciate, Don’t Expect
  6. Celebrate One Another, Including the Differences
  7. The Kids Are #2
  8. Ride the Waves like a Pro with the Ups and Downs of Life
  9. Keep the Friendship, and the Romance, Alive
  10. Give Tech a Timeout
  11. The Grass is Greenest Here
  12. Enjoy the Mountaintops and the Mundane
  13. Dream and Grow Together
  14. Change Yourself, Not Each Other
  15. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
  16. Listen and Learn
  17. Stay Connected to the Vine

Here we go: Lessons 9 – 12 with a bit more detail.

9. Keep the Friendship, and the Romance, Alive

Just before our wedding, Tasha had the following engraved on the inside of my wedding ring: Song of Solomon 5:16. The phrase to which Tasha was referring is this: “This is my beloved and this is my friend.” When I look at my ring, I am regularly reminded of this precious and unique beloved-friend relationship Tasha and I share.

Our marriage is the only relationship in our lives that embodies this unique combination of both friendship and romance. Although I have many friends, only Tasha occupies the position as my closest friend. Although I have many friends, Tasha alone is my lover.

With five children, our marriage relationship is not 24-7 roses and candles. But in the midst of “mundane” living, we daily have the opportunity to nurture both the friendship and romance in our relationship. Although this sometimes finds its expression in an intentional romantic evening out on a date, the friendship and romance is more often found in the small gestures—gestures like checking in with one another throughout a busy day, serving one another with a task the other finds burdensome, or the lingering hug and kiss as we pass in the kitchen.

Keeping both the friendship and romance alive is vital for a healthy and thriving marriage.

10. Give Tech a Timeout

While it is true that there is no one other than Tasha I would rather be next to as we are on our phones, tablets, or computers, better than this is to just be with each other as we “give tech a timeout.”

The point is not to demonize technology, but rather to prioritize technology as it should be—behind and subordinate to our relationship.

One of the things I appreciate most about technology is its capacity to facilitate communication with people through pathways like email and Facebook. As a married couple, however, these other forms of communication must not take priority over our marriage and friendship.

One of the keys for Tasha and me is to be proactive in communicating when we want to set aside technology so we can focus on one another. At times this means leaving our phones in another room as we enjoy conversation and time together. Other times, this means we mutually decide we want to catch up on emails together.

Whether utilizing technology, or giving tech a timeout, the key is to be proactive in seeing that technology serves your marriage and friendship and does not take away from it.

11. The Grass is Greenest Here

In the book of Exodus (20:17) and Deuteronomy (5:21), we find the following command: “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house.” The New Testament also reaffirms these cautions around coveting (e.g., Luke 12:15 and James 4:2). What is behind these commands? How does this relate to marriage?

The concept of coveting is about desiring after something that does not belong to you. Here’s one formal definition: “to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others.”

In marriage, it is right, fitting, and beautiful for Tasha and I to desire one another, fantasize about one another, and enjoy one another through physical intimacy. This is the relationship in which these desires are to find their expression for us.

In contrast to these healthy and beautiful expressions in marriage, sin also promises to fulfill desires. The problem is these desires are counterfeit and rob couples of true and lasting pleasure. Here are a few counterfeits that compete with marital love in our day: pornography in all its expressions (from visual images to fantasy novels); looking longingly to the romance of others through film and other story book forms; or, looking to other individuals outside of marriage to find physical or emotional fulfillment of desires.

Often times, such outlets are motivated by comparison. We think that the “grass is greener” somewhere else. The problem with this line of thinking is that it is comparing the real to the counterfeit. While the counterfeit entices with fleeting pleasure, the real offers stable and lasting pleasure. In other words, the grass really is greenest right here. For Tasha and I, the grass is greenest and the pleasure is the best right here in our marriage.

The Bible’s wise cautions against coveting are not about killing joy, but rather fulfilling joy. Treasure the gift God has given to you; enjoy the real and set aside the counterfeit.

12. Enjoy the Mountaintops and the Mundane

In the Movie “Good Will Hunting,” the character named Sean (played by Robin Williams) shares life lessons with the young Will (played by Matt Damon). As Sean remembers his wife who passed away two years earlier, he recounts for Will “the good stuff” from their relationship:

“Wonderful stuff, you know, little things like that. Ah, but, those are the things I miss the most. The little idiosyncrasies that only I knew about. That’s what made her my wife. Oh, and she had the goods on me, too, she knew all my little peccadillos. People call these things imperfections, but they’re not, aw, that’s the good stuff. And then we get to choose who we let in to our weird little worlds. You’re not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn’t perfect either. But the question is: whether or not you’re perfect for each other. That’s the whole deal. That’s what intimacy is all about.”

Tasha and I enjoy the mountaintops of life together. Some of these are memorable times away on vacation when it is just the two of us lingering together in the beauty of nature. Other mountaintops have come on days we will never forget, like our wedding day and the days our children were born.

But it is important to remember that most of life is not lived in the mountains. It is lived in the mundane day-to-day life in the valley. Along with Sean in Good Will Hunting, Tasha and I want to treasure “the good stuff” that comes along with daily life together. This daily life often includes casual conversations about our days and how the kids are doing and a daily cup of coffee together in the morning.

The key for us is to enjoy both the big and little parts of life—learning to treasure both the mountaintops and the mundane.

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What is your biggest takeaway from this week’s lessons? How have you seen them at work in your life?

I’ll pick up with lesson #13 in the next post.

________________________

Here Are the Links for The Entire Series:

17 Lessons from 17 Years of Marriage, cont. (Lessons 5 – ­8)

/ Justin Irving / 5 Comments
Love and Marriage, by Dennis Skley, Flickr

Love and Marriage, by Dennis Skley, Flickr

Last week Tasha and I celebrated 17 Years of Marriage! Part of this year’s anniversary celebration included some time for Tasha and I to reflect on lessons from our first 17 years of marriage.

In last week’s post I started walking through our list of 17 Lessons from 17 Years of Marriage by providing some commentary on the first four items. This week I’ll continue the journey as we walk through lessons 5 – 8. Before I do so, here is a quick overview of our 17 Lessons again:

  1. Prioritize Time Together
  2. Keep Short Accounts
  3. Laugh Often
  4. Learn and Speak One Another’s Love Language
  5. Appreciate, Don’t Expect
  6. Celebrate One Another, Including the Differences
  7. The Kids Are #2
  8. Ride the Waves like a Pro with the Ups and Downs of Life
  9. Keep the Friendship, and the Romance, Alive
  10. Give Tech a Timeout
  11. The Grass is Greenest Here
  12. Enjoy the Mountaintops and the Mundane
  13. Dream and Grow Together
  14. Change Yourself, Not Each Other
  15. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
  16. Listen and Learn
  17. Stay Connected to the Vine

So here we go: Lessons 5 – 8 with a bit more detail.

5. Appreciate, Don’t Expect

Somewhat of an extension of our previous reflection on learning and speaking one another’s love language, managing our expectations has been very important for us. Tasha and I have learned that we cannot expect each other to “read one another’s minds,” though we often want that. When we come to expect something from each other, we often are setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Rather, Tasha and I continue to learn the importance of appreciating rather than expecting. A mindset of appreciation helps us to receive from one another with gratitude rather than implicitly demand from one another with our expectations. A focus on appreciating nurtures the spirit of grace and gratitude we desire to have with one another rather than a contractual, quid-pro-quo type spirit. We are learning the joy of generously giving to one another and returning this generosity with appreciation rather than expectation.

6. Celebrate One Another, Including the Differences

Celebrating both common values and complementary personalities has been a key for Tasha and me over the years. This translates into genuinely celebrating one another. From a common core of values, such as our common faith in Christ, we are able to enjoy and treasure our differences.

For those that know MBTI personality types well, we are a marriage of an INTJ and an ENFP. Although we share our common “N” of iNtuition, we are on opposite sides of the continuum on most of the other personality dimensions. While this is only one way of looking at our differences, for us the adage that “opposites attract” feels quit true for us. From the way we approach work, problems, parenting, and beyond, our differences regularly complement one another.

Though early in our marriage these very differences often became points of frustration, over the years we have learned that these commonalities and complements enrich our lives and make us better people. Both the commonalities and complements are to be enjoyed and celebrated in healthy relationships, and Tasha and I are learning to do this a little better each year of marriage.

7. The Kids Are #2

With five children in our family, parenting is a major part of our lives. Although we treasure our kids, Tasha and I feel that one of the best things we can do for our kids is to show them that when it comes to Mom and Dad’s relationship, the children come second (sorry kids!). Rather than being the center of our relationship, children are an outgrowth of our marriage relationship.

Marriages that are centered on children often run into difficulties when children are launched from the home. Conversely, marriages that celebrate and prioritize one another often stand the test of time. We are not talking about being selfish and withholding what kids genuinely need. Rather, it is about affirming that the best gift we can give our children is a stable, loving, and health marriage. Part of fighting for the joy of our kids is by keeping each other, our friendship and our romance, as the priority in our family as the years of parenting move forward.

8. Ride the Waves like a Pro in the Ups and Downs of Life

As Tasha and I once heard musicians Sara and Toby Groves joke about in one of their concerts, we also sometimes say “We’ve been happily married 15 years, and married for 17.” While we joke about this, there is certainly truth behind the humor.

Not every year of our marriage has been full of joy and ease. We have had significant seasons where frustration, arguments, and depression have colored our relationship. For us this came around years four and five of our marriage especially. As we think back on those difficult days, we are grateful for the help of pastors, counselors, friends, family, and neighbors who supported us along the way.

In addition to the support around us, Tasha and I are also thankful that early in our marriage we banished the “D” word (divorce) from our relational vocabulary. Though we have had difficult seasons, we have drawn on our promise to one other to stay, and part of this has been to never channel our feelings in such a way where we would threaten each other with the language of divorce.

As we are now 17 years into this journey of marriage, one key benefit is the perspective that comes with the gift of time together over these years. When we had a difficult year after only four years together, it was challenging to find perspective. But now we have more shared history in life together. This history provides perspectives for us to see that the ups and downs are a normal part of life together in relationship.

Like surfing pros find the most joy in turbulent waters, 17 years into marriage Tasha and I are learning to ride the waves together through the highs and lows of life. We promised each other we would stay “for better, for worse … till death do us part,” and we actually meant it. There is no one I’d rather go through the ups and downs of life with than my bride.

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As you consider the principles of (1) appreciating over expecting, (2) celebrating both commonalities and complements, (3) prioritizing our spouse over our kids, and (4) riding the waves through the ups and downs of life, what is your biggest takeaway this week?

I’ll pick up with lesson #9 in the next post.

________________________

Here Are the Links for The Entire Series:

17 Lessons from 17 Years of Marriage

/ Justin Irving / 7 Comments
Love Ring. by Daniel Lee, Flickr

Love Ring. by Daniel Lee, Flickr

This past weekend Tasha and I celebrated 17 years of marriage.

Comparing 17 years to the 72 years of marriage my grandpa and grandma enjoyed seems small. But 17 years is no small thing to us; these are 17 wonderful years to be celebrated!

As we celebrated this weekend, Tasha I decided to pull together our 17 Lessons from 17 Years of Marriage. Here are a few of the lessons from first 17 years:

  1. Prioritize Time Together
  2. Keep Short Accounts
  3. Laugh Often
  4. Learn and Speak One Another’s Love Language
  5. Appreciate, Don’t Expect
  6. Celebrate One Another, Including the Differences
  7. The Kids Are #2
  8. Ride the Waves like a Pro in the Ups and Downs of Life
  9. Keep the Friendship, and the Romance, Alive
  10. Give Tech a Timeout
  11. The Grass is Greenest Here
  12. Enjoy the Mountaintops and the Mundane
  13. Dream and Grow Together
  14. Change Yourself, Not Each Other
  15. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
  16. Listen and Learn
  17. Stay Connected to the Vine

While some of these are self-explanatory, in the remainder of this post I will provide a bit of commentary on the first four items and pick up the remainder in a future post.

1. Prioritize Time Together

A healthy marriage doesn’t just happen. It takes time—time together. So we start our list off with this simple and vital lesson: Prioritize Time Together. Do this daily through small acts like enjoying conversation over coffee or a meal. Do this weekly through time away from daily routines while out on a date. Do this quarterly and annually through retreats—spontaneous nights away at a bed and breakfast, camping over a weekend, or mini vacations. Do this periodically as you celebrate big for the 5, 10, 15-year and beyond anniversaries.

2. Keep Short Accounts

Learn to keep short accounts. It’s easy to hold on to what offends us, but this is not a recipe for healthy marriage. We are reminded in the Bible to “not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). While this doesn’t mean that we magically forget all offenses as the sun goes down each day, this does point us to the principle of regularly, even daily, forgiving and being forgiven from the small offenses that can build up in a marriage.

Jesus taught His disciples to pray “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matt. 6:12). Similarly, we read in Colossians 3:13 to “bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” The Gospel reminds us that the need to forgive and be forgiven is a regular part of healthy relationships. Because we are forgiven by the Lord when we trust in Jesus, we also ought to regularly and generously forgive one another.

3. Laugh Often

Tasha and I love to hear each other laugh. I find that it is really hard not to smile when hear Tasha laugh. Laughing often is good for our relationship.

But there is one important qualification here. Humor and laughter needs to be with, not at, each other. Laughter at the other’s expense can be dangerous if it becomes the norm. While it is helpful to not take ourselves too seriously, regularly laughing at one another can slowly erode a healthy marriage. Rather, learn to laugh often with each other.

Remember, “A joyful heart is good medicine” (Proverbs 17:22).

4. Learn and Speak One Another’s Love Language 

What communicates love most to your spouse? Over our first 17 years, Tasha and I are continuing to learn and aiming to speak one another’s love language. While there are many ways to communicate love, author Gary Chapman points to five primary languages of love: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch.

What is your primary and secondary love language? What are your spouse’s primary and secondary love languages? Are you taking time to learn these languages? Are you intentionally stepping out of your comfort zone to speak in the language that speaks to them?

For Tasha, 17 years tells me that quality time is a key love language for her. In the busyness of life, I can’t use a quick gift or word of affirmation to replace quality time. Time matters for most people, but it especially matters for my bride.

Learn your spouse’s love language and speak it often.

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I’ll stop at #4, so that I can practice #1! Time to Prioritize Time Together over this post 🙂

As you think through your own relationships (marriage or friendships), how might you take the next step this week in (1) prioritizing time with those you love, (2) keeping short accounts, (3) laughing often, and (4) learning and speaking another’s love language.

I’ll pick up with #5 next round.

Find the Next Three Parts Here: