17 Lessons from 17 Years of Marriage

July 20, 2015August 19, 2015 / Justin Irving / 7 Comments

Love Ring. by Daniel Lee, Flickr

This past weekend Tasha and I celebrated 17 years of marriage.

Comparing 17 years to the 72 years of marriage my grandpa and grandma enjoyed seems small. But 17 years is no small thing to us; these are 17 wonderful years to be celebrated!

As we celebrated this weekend, Tasha I decided to pull together our 17 Lessons from 17 Years of Marriage. Here are a few of the lessons from first 17 years:

Prioritize Time Together
Keep Short Accounts
Laugh Often
Learn and Speak One Another’s Love Language
Appreciate, Don’t Expect
Celebrate One Another, Including the Differences
The Kids Are #2
Ride the Waves like a Pro in the Ups and Downs of Life
Keep the Friendship, and the Romance, Alive
Give Tech a Timeout
The Grass is Greenest Here
Enjoy the Mountaintops and the Mundane
Dream and Grow Together
Change Yourself, Not Each Other
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Listen and Learn
Stay Connected to the Vine

While some of these are self-explanatory, in the remainder of this post I will provide a bit of commentary on the first four items and pick up the remainder in a future post.

1. Prioritize Time Together

A healthy marriage doesn’t just happen. It takes time—time together. So we start our list off with this simple and vital lesson: Prioritize Time Together. Do this daily through small acts like enjoying conversation over coffee or a meal. Do this weekly through time away from daily routines while out on a date. Do this quarterly and annually through retreats—spontaneous nights away at a bed and breakfast, camping over a weekend, or mini vacations. Do this periodically as you celebrate big for the 5, 10, 15-year and beyond anniversaries.

2. Keep Short Accounts

Learn to keep short accounts. It’s easy to hold on to what offends us, but this is not a recipe for healthy marriage. We are reminded in the Bible to “not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Ephesians 4:26). While this doesn’t mean that we magically forget all offenses as the sun goes down each day, this does point us to the principle of regularly, even daily, forgiving and being forgiven from the small offenses that can build up in a marriage.

Jesus taught His disciples to pray “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Matt. 6:12). Similarly, we read in Colossians 3:13 to “bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” The Gospel reminds us that the need to forgive and be forgiven is a regular part of healthy relationships. Because we are forgiven by the Lord when we trust in Jesus, we also ought to regularly and generously forgive one another.

3. Laugh Often

Tasha and I love to hear each other laugh. I find that it is really hard not to smile when hear Tasha laugh. Laughing often is good for our relationship.

But there is one important qualification here. Humor and laughter needs to be with, not at, each other. Laughter at the other’s expense can be dangerous if it becomes the norm. While it is helpful to not take ourselves too seriously, regularly laughing at one another can slowly erode a healthy marriage. Rather, learn to laugh often with each other.

Remember, “A joyful heart is good medicine” (Proverbs 17:22).

4. Learn and Speak One Another’s Love Language

What communicates love most to your spouse? Over our first 17 years, Tasha and I are continuing to learn and aiming to speak one another’s love language. While there are many ways to communicate love, author Gary Chapman points to five primary languages of love: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch.

What is your primary and secondary love language? What are your spouse’s primary and secondary love languages? Are you taking time to learn these languages? Are you intentionally stepping out of your comfort zone to speak in the language that speaks to them?

For Tasha, 17 years tells me that quality time is a key love language for her. In the busyness of life, I can’t use a quick gift or word of affirmation to replace quality time. Time matters for most people, but it especially matters for my bride.

Learn your spouse’s love language and speak it often.

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I’ll stop at #4, so that I can practice #1! Time to Prioritize Time Together over this post 🙂

As you think through your own relationships (marriage or friendships), how might you take the next step this week in (1) prioritizing time with those you love, (2) keeping short accounts, (3) laughing often, and (4) learning and speaking another’s love language.

I’ll pick up with #5 next round.

Find the Next Three Parts Here:

Rethinking Resolutions — Prioritizing for the New Year

December 29, 2014January 3, 2016 / Justin Irving / 5 Comments

Photo Credit: New Year’s Resolutions, One Way Stock

New Year’s Resolutions

What are your typical New Year’s resolutions?

I’m actually not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions, but I am a fan of using the beginning of a new year as an opportunity to reflect. As I look back on one year and then consider the next year ahead, it is an opportunity to step back and pay attention to the big picture—to pay attention to the things that matter most.

As you consider this past year what have been your significant challenges and what has gone well? What are the key lessons you are taking from this past year? How is this look to the past influencing your goals and desires for the future?

What Are the Big Rocks?

The reality is we cannot do everything. We have to make choices. We have to prioritize. As I look to the year ahead, one of the most helpful metaphors for me continues to be the image of Putting the Big Rocks in First suggested by Steven Covey.

Familiar to many, in First Things First Covey shares the following story about prioritizing:

I attended a seminar once where the instructor was lecturing on time. At one point, he said, “Okay, it’s time for a quiz.” He reached under the table and pulled out a wide-mouth gallon jar. He set it on the table next to a platter with some fist-si zed rocks on it. “How many of these rocks do you think we can get in the jar?” he asked.

After we make our guess, he said, “Okay, let’s find out.” He set one rock in the jar…then another…then another. I don’t remember how many he got in, but he got the jar full. Then he asked, “Is the jar full?”

Everybody looked at the rocks and said, “Yes.”

The he said, “Ahh.” He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some gravel in and shook the jar and the gravel went in all the little spaces left by the big rocks. Then he grinned and said once more, “Is the jar full?”

By this time we were on to him. “Probably not,” we said.

“Good!” he replied. And he reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went in all the little spaces left by the rocks and gravel. Once more he looked at us and said, “Is the jar full?”

“No!” we all roared.

He said, “Good!” and he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in. He got something like a quart of water in that jar. Then he said, “Well, what’s the point?”

Somebody said, “Well, there are gaps and if you really work at it, you can always fit more into your life.”

“No,” he said, “that’s not the point. The point is this: if you hadn’t put these big rocks in first, you would never have gotten any of them in?”

(Source: Covey, Stephen R., A. Roger Merrill, and Rebecca R. Merrill. First things first. Simon and Schuster, 1995.)

Prioritizing What Matters Most

So here is the major take away from Covey’s story: As we consider the hundreds and thousands of things that can be done in the year ahead, what are the specific things that matter most? What are the areas in our lives and the goals that we have that must be prioritized? Generally speaking, if we don’t carve out space and time for the things that matter most, our priorities often get pushed aside by the daily demands of life. So what are the things in your life that are just too important to be pushed aside?

Ongoing Priorities and New Priorities

As I consider my own big rocks, some big rocks are priorities I desire for each new year—quality time with my family, treasuring Christ and His love shown to us in the gospel, and faithfully serving others through my work. Other big rocks for a specific year and require focused energy for a specific time in my life. One such example for me is working to complete a majority of my remaining MBA classes in the year ahead.

In the coming year my life will be full of both planned and unplanned events. This means that I need to hold my plans loosely. But as I plan for the year ahead, I want to keep the “Big Rock” priorities in mind so that the things that matter most are not needlessly pushed aside by daily busyness. Some of my plans will likely need to change as I respond to new circumstances, opportunities, and invitations that emerge. But in the midst of the busyness, if I put the big rocks first I will be able to keep central the things that matter most and then allow the other necessities of life to fill in between the spaces left between the metaphorical big rocks.

Identifying Your Big Rocks

So what are your “Big Rocks” for the year ahead?

Rather than making New Year’s resolutions, I’d encourage you to reflect upon and identify your priorities for the year ahead. This is not about making resolutions or promises to yourself that will fade away by mid-January; this is about a deep process of thinking through your core values and core goals, and then prioritizing what matters most as you move into the year ahead. Enjoy this opportunity to look ahead to the new year and then make your priorities explicit as you launch into the next twelve months.

Perspective, Priorities, and Personal Care — Reflections on Seasonal Transitions

August 19, 2014January 3, 2016 / Justin Irving / Leave a comment

Photo Credit: 1st Fall Picture, DaDaAce, Flickr

Enjoying Summer

I love summer. I love the warm weather that finally arrives in Minnesota. I love the chance to connect with family, friends, and neighbors. I love softball games in the park. I love time to get outside and enjoy nature. I love the change of pace. I love the opportunity to be with people that the normal school year busyness does not always allow.

But summer can be complex as well. Summer activities take planning and coordination. Summer activities take time away from work that needs to get done. Summer activities add a layer of complexity.

Preparing for Fall

I’m feeling this complexity especially as the summer-to-fall transition happens in late August. Summer activities are slowing down and preparations for the school year are ramping up.

For our household, ramping up toward fall is not only about the kids starting back to school. It is also about us as parents preparing for fall teaching. My wife began her teacher training this week. My fall faculty workshop begins next week. And, our kids start back to their first day of school next Monday.

Sometimes ramping up for work can feel like more of a job than the work itself. Training sessions are in motion. School supplies need to be purchased. School uniforms and clothes need to be secured and organized. Lesson plans need to be polished. Syllabi need to be finalized.

Keys for Thriving in Transition

As I’m in the heart of managing this seasonal transition and shifting gears into fall, I’m thinking about keys for managing transitions in seasons of life and work. What are some of the keys to managing transitions well? What are some keys to thriving in the midst of changing seasons?

Here are three guidelines I’ve been thinking about today:

1 — Need for Perspective

If transitional seasons are the norm, this may lead one to weariness very quickly. Thankfully, most of us experience seasons of normalcy between periods of transition. I’m in a very full two week period at the moment. One of the tactics I use to manage this busy season is simply keeping things in perspective.

Anything can be managed for two weeks, right? Perspective helps me to press in, get things done that need to be done, and to remember that this season of transition will soon level out to a new norm in a few weeks. I find that transitions require a need for perspective, and this perspective helps me to stay calm and focused in the midst of the busy season.

2 — Need for Prioritization

We can’t do everything. This is certainly true for me. I’m grateful for the many opportunities I have: serving in a job I love, time with family and friends, invitations to speak, engagement with research and writing projects, pursuing opportunities for learning, serving among communities I value, and the list goes on. But, I can’t do everything…and neither can you. This requires prioritization.

Priorities are based on perspective. As we aim to see our lives and the investment of our time will help us better understand when to say yes and when to say no. When opportunities and invitations arise, having perspective, and prioritizing based on this prospective gives a basis for decisions relate to time investment.

I’m thinking a lot about what to say yes and no to in this season of transition. Though not the only example, I sent a final “no” regarding a conference I wanted to attend in September. I valued the learning opportunity, but in the midst of prioritization, that was something that had to go as I looked to the month ahead.

How are you prioritizing in this season? Based on these priorities to what are you needing to say yes, and to what are you needing to say no?

3 — Need for Personal & Spiritual Self-Care

I’m also reminded of the need for good spiritual and personal self-care in these seasons of transition. It is amazing what simple things like eating well, getting enough sleep, and taking time to pause for spiritual reflection do in the midst of busy seasons. I like the title of Bill Hybels’ book Too Busy Not to Pray. When it comes to good spiritual and personal care, I think there are many “too busy not to” priorities:

Too busy not to sleep well
Too busy not to eat well
Too busy not to exercise
Too busy not to pray
Too busy not to reflect and meditate on the Bible
Too busy not to spend time with those closest to me

You likely have your own list of priorities for personal and spiritual self-care. In the second point above I emphasized the need to say no to some things. Equally important in busy seasons is the priority of saying yes to what matters most—saying yes to the personal and spiritual self-care that sustains us in busy times.

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As you look to your own seasons of change, how are you managing the transitions? Are you getting the perspective you need to guide your decisions? Are you prioritizing based on this perspective? Are you maintaining the needed personal and spiritual self-care in the midst of it all?